Aug 29, 2005

Life sucks...it really does...What's the use?

The real question is why are we here? To live like lemmings running off cliffs and never learning from our ancestors. Or, are we predetermined to continue the same vicious cycle of birth, school, marriage, children, working forever, retiring ancient, and then dying. What's the purpose of all this? At least we have an idea what we're up against, its up to us to make it the most I guess.

What's the point in getting married? Marriage is a sham men created to have control over women. What's supposed to be two people living and loving each other happily for the rest of their lives turns out to be two people who become apathetic with each other and one realizes the other never meant their marriage vows. Love starts to fester because one of them does not contribute to it and the other person cannot keep up a marriage themselves.

I am so tired of this. I'm better off alone than married and alone.

What's the use?

Hurricane Andrew Anniversary - 13 years

Wow - its been 13 years since Hurricane Andrew flipped our lives upside down. Its amazing how us humans can bounce back after disaster. Homestead FL is now a booming community with houses being built up left and right. It looks like an alien invasion!! Now they are on a hurricane watch - I can only imagine what the damage would be if another hurricane like Andrew blows through there. Not only that, the home prices are so outrageous that the insurance companies would probably go bankrupt or not insure any Florida homes. If Andrew's damage was $36 billion, a new hurricane of that caliber would probably be over $100 billion in damage.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hurricane_Andrew

Aug 23, 2005

Today got me thinking about my "list" for the perfect man that I wrote 5/2000. When Dre and I first got together he embodied everything on my list. Now that we've been together a total of 3 years (1 year married), I'm starting to wonder if I was delusional to think that was him. Lately he's been so selfish and childish; it's really wearing thin on me. Ever since he got the car painted and got new rims and tires he's been acting like a teenager. He'll be 31 on Friday - he really needs to grow up. He's never home anymore and when he is, he isn't here in mind, only in body. In the evenings its either him working out or on the computer watching TV in the other room. He works retail so his hours are always different. Some evenings he's home at 5pm, others he's home at 11pm. His days off are usually during the week while I am working. I have weekends off and a normal schedule Monday - Friday. Yesterday was his day off - I dropped him off early to get the car retouched and he took the Max for the rest of the afternoon. He went to lunch with Barbara (second mom) at the Ale House and afterwards she dropped him off so Juan (best friend) can help him drive the cars back home. He brought me his leftovers from the Ale House - clam strips and wings. Gee thanks... So they come back home to drop the Max off and they run off to happy hour. He asked if I wanted to go after I gave him a look - he knows he's messing up - I said Peace Out - Bye!! Happy hour ended up being all night as usual. He called a few times while he was out and clearly he was drunk as a skunk. I went to bed and around 1:30am woke up - where's Dre? He was on the couch sh*t faced drunk and passed out. He knew he had to get up at 6am today - how irresponsible. Tried to wake him up unsuccessfully so I left him on the couch. About 5 this morning I woke up knowing he had to be up soon to go to work. Did I wake him...NO!! I really didn't give a shit if he was late or got reprimanded at work. Guess his alcoholic alarm went off because he woke up on his own at 5:15 - in time to go to work. I got up to get a glass of water and I could tell he was still drunk - oh well. After he left to work I was up til about 7am thinking. Thinking about separation - him or I moving out and having time apart. Thought about driving down south for a few days and working out of the main office. Thought about telling him to move in with Juan for a while.

How sad is it to be lonely when you're married...

Aug 15, 2005

Today is officially my first day not smoking cigarettes. Bought the patch yesterday and slapped one on first thing this morning. So many people have told me that smoking exacerbates RA so that is my motivation to quit. So far I'm feeling great!! The swelling has gone down considerably - my fingers look like prunes from all the skin that was stretched. At least I'm not in pain. Still on the Prednisone til Saturday. Lets see how I feel after that.


QuitMeter Counter courtesy of www.quitmeter.com.

Aug 9, 2005

Saw my doc today and she gave me the bad news -Rheumatoid arthritis. She put me on a cycle of prednisone, gave me some darvocet for the pain, and a Z-Pak for my sore throat. I'm praying the Z-Pak will knock whatever this is out of my system.

Aug 5, 2005

Went to the lab today and got my bloodwork. Had to drive there with ace bandages on my hands. This is out of hand - the pain on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst was a solid 8. I need some kind of relief for this. I've also had a sore throat since this came on. I wonder if I got the flu.

The lady at the lab that drew the blood was kinda weird...

Aug 4, 2005

Woke up this morning and could not even open the bedroom door. The pain is unbearable and it brought me to tears. Obviously I cannot drive to get to the lab. Dre gave me attitude today about it – I don’t think he believes me. I am so pissed and disappointed on top of all this.

Strong

I’m strong – that’s what you say
You make me think – what is being strong – what is strength?
Strong in your eyes means not complaining, being quiet, not saying what I’m really feeling. I know you don’t understand and can’t even being to.

Strong in my eyes means not complaining, being quiet, not saying what I’m really feeling so as not to scare you because you really don’t understand. Trying to be strong for you. Knowing that any day now you will be gone and I will be alone. Alone in my suffering, pain, and heartache. Alone to be strong.

Strong, strength – what a cliché from the people who don’t really care about you. The people who hold you up on a pedestal because of your strength will not be there in your pain and solitude because of your weakness. Weakness, strength – two polar opposites – but why?? It’s a fine line like love and hate, pain and normalcy, weakness and strength.

In others eyes, strength is not being vocal about how you feel and turning the other cheek. In others eyes, weakness is a disease they do not want to hear because it will bring them down and make them feel guilty for not caring enough.

Strong – hush
Weak – speak your mind!

Say what you feel

I wish I had someone I could be strong and weak with :'(